I thought going to HELL would be better

I actually thought for a moment in my life that going to hell might be better than facing the baby I decided to abort. I just kept playing out in my mind what it would look like if I ever went to heaven and was reunited with him or her. It was not your typical heaven idea....you know the clouds, beautiful music and warm loving feeling. It was pure pain to think about heaven and knowing that there was a child there that would know I murdered them. That I did not choose to allow them to live, be born and just simply be a person!!! Who would he have been? What would he look like? Would he have slept through the night? Man all the thoughts were overwhelming. I couldn't breathe. I could not live. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way? Maybe it was just my own weird thought process. But I definitely did want to die in a way that would exclude me from heaven so that the day would never come where I would have to face that precious baby that never got a chance to just BE!